George Washington: the video
Posted on Tuesday, April 17, 2007, 12:00 am, MST-25200
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A tribute to our nation’s first white president.
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This video is amusing, but rife with commonly held historical innaccuracies. For instance:
- Myth: George Washington had like 30 goddamn dicks.
Fact: Historians have argued for thousands of years over the number of dicks George Washington had. By some accounts it was as low as 18, but there are documents claiming the number to be as high as 3,342. Most historians agree that the number is somewhere between 1 and 900 [Rasheed, 675]
- Myth: George Washington fucked the shit out of bears.
Fact: George Washington never fucked the shit out of any bears. In fact, the bear wasn’t even discovered until 1970 (more than 35 years after George Washington’s fatal car accident) [NYTimes, 3/2/70].
- Myth: George Washington had a Schnauser.
Fact: Ever since cutting down his fathers cherry tree, George Washington avoided all wood products and dogs [Vonnegut, 84].
Fact: Historians have argued for thousands of years over the number of dicks George Washington had. By some accounts it was as low as 18, but there are documents claiming the number to be as high as 3,342. Most historians agree that the number is somewhere between 1 and 900 [Rasheed, 675]
Fact: George Washington never fucked the shit out of any bears. In fact, the bear wasn’t even discovered until 1970 (more than 35 years after George Washington’s fatal car accident) [NYTimes, 3/2/70].
Fact: Ever since cutting down his fathers cherry tree, George Washington avoided all wood products and dogs [Vonnegut, 84].
The only fresh, undisputable fact the writers are privy to is that George Washington rode a crystal horse. Being radioactive, a live horse would have died instantly when he fed the horse its carrots.
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